“If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.”
Romans 12:18, King James Version
Introduction
As Christians we are to work towards living peaceably with everyone. What Romans 12:18 implies, however, is that peaceful relations may not always be possible. Being able to live peaceably with others is quite difficult to do because of factors, such as (but not limited to) differences in personality traits, conflicting religious/spiritual beliefs, prejudice, racism, the insistence of others to be oppositional no matter what, and political differences. Despite these factors, we still bear the responsibility of “following after the things which make for peace” (Romans 14:19). One way we can do this is through our communication skills.
Communication is a vital part of our human existence that involves having a partner(s) to whom we impart and from whom we receive information (e.g., talking and listening). When imparting information, we may use nonverbal means, such as facial expressions and body language, as well as verbal means, such as speaking or writing. Moreover, our upbringing, our peer group, and other elements of society may shape (whether consciously or unconsciously) the development of our communication skills, for better or for worse. Despite how we may have come to possess the type of communication skills we have now, as Christians, we must strive to make sure they match and are not contrary to God’s standards. Using God’s word as a guide, I have highlighted below the factors that can contribute to better communicative exchanges and help us in our endeavor to live peaceably with others.
Check the Heart
A wonderful place to start in our quest to develop better communication skills is to assess the health of our heart. According to Scripture, what is in our heart influences what we say (Matthew 12:34). Thus, if our heart is filled with bitterness or contempt towards a person, for example, we may communicate with that person in a hurtful manner, sometimes without us even being aware of why we’re doing so.
Years ago, I learned about a study that was conducted by a researcher named John Gottman and that showed how the connection between the emotions in our heart and communication influences our relationship with others. In his research, John Gottman examined the communication patterns of married couples and used that information to predict which couples would divorce years later. Based on the extent to which the married couples’ communication reflected negative or positive emotions, John Gottman was able to predict who would divorce with about 94% accuracy. He found that couples who were more likely to divorce were also more likely to engage in a higher level of negative communication patterns (e.g., expressing a higher level of negative emotions, defensiveness) towards each other, with contempt being the chief and worst culprit plaguing their communicative exchanges.
Taken together, because of the connection between our heart and what we say and the impact of that connection on our relationships, it is imperative that we ask God to purify our heart of conditions (e.g., hatred, bitterness, contempt, wrath, envy) that might lead to negative communicative exchanges. Moreover, we should pray for God to give us a heart marked by love, patience, forgiveness, and kindness (Psalm 51:10; Psalms 139:23-24; Ephesians 4:31-32), which will help us to communicate in a manner that is pleasing to Him.
Communicate with Empathy
Having a heart marked by love, patience, forgiveness, and kindness may help us to communicate with empathy, which manifests itself in our ability to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15). It is the ability to understand and be sensitive towards the feelings and experiences of others. It is being able to imagine what another person is experiencing and see things from her or his perspective (even if we’ve never had that same exact experience). When healthy and with appropriate boundaries, empathy enables us to connect with our communication partner without becoming inundated by her or his emotions and feelings (Walsh, 2012).
What happens if we don’t communicate with empathy? Well, this may lead to misunderstandings and cause us to interact with others in an insensitive manner. In turn, unnecessary conflict may ensue. For this reason, we should regard it as a vital component needed in our pursuit towards living peaceably with others.
Listen and Listen Right
Being able to communicate with empathy is affected by our ability to listen because it enables us to receive all the information that we will need to show understanding towards our communication partner. Moreover, through the process of listening, we will be in a better position to provide a response that accurately and appropriately reflects the information that others have communicated to us. Similar to what the Bible says, we should be quick to listen and slow to speak, for doing otherwise would be foolish (James 1:19; Proverbs 18:13).
In addition, listening should be an active process whereby we ensure we’re accurately processing incoming information, with the goal of minimizing misunderstandings (thereby minimizing unnecessary conflict) and maximizing the opportunity for our communication partner to feel heard and understood. Good strategies to use to engage in active listening include summarizing or paraphrasing the information our communication partner has conveyed to us, as well as asking questions to obtain more information or to clarify information.
When actively listening, we should minimize interrupting our communication partner and we should avoid being reactive (i.e., jumping down our communication partner’s throat). Certainly, listening with this type of control is hard, especially when our communication partner is conveying information that we don’t want to hear or when she or he is communicating in an offensive manner, for example. Nevertheless, self-control is one of the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) and is something that we need to practice as we listen to our communication partner, as well as when we express ourselves.
Guard the Mouth
Our society endorses the belief that we’re entitled to say anything we want, whenever we want, and in whatever manner we want despite the harmful and destructive consequences of doing so; however, this type of thinking runs counter to God’s word. Let’s see what God’s word says:
Timing is everything: Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 7 indicates that there is a season for everything and sometimes, for various reasons (e.g., maybe our communication partner may be too tired or not in a good place to receive what we want to say at the moment), it’s just not the right season (i.e., timing) for us to say what it is we want to say. Sometimes, poor timing can result in communication breakdowns and unnecessarily lead to conflict. In contrast, the Bible emphatically states how good it is for words to be spoken at the right time (Proverbs 15:23). Being able to perceive the right timing of when to say something is sometimes understandably difficult. Thus, we need to rely on the discernment of the Holy Spirit to help us do this.
Think before speaking: God’s word states that those operating from a righteous heart carefully ponder what they should say before they speak (Proverbs 15:28). Those who engage in this type of reflection will undoubtedly be in a better position to utter aptly chosen words, words that the Bible compares to something as beautiful as “apples of gold” (Proverbs 25:11). As I have come to experience personally, however, impulsively saying the first thing that comes to our mind may cause us to offend others or worsen an already tense conversation. Thus, with the help of the Holy Spirit, it is important for us to think before we speak and ask the Lord to set a guard over our mouths (Psalms 141:3). I have found the following quote from Bernard Meltzer to be helpful in this matter. He stated, “Before you speak, ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid.”
Say only that which has been seasoned with grace: God’s word indicates that we should “refrain [our] tongue from evil” that we may see good days (I Peter 3:10). We are to speak the truth to our neighbors and do so from a place of love and not from a heart that wants to tear them down (Ephesians 4:15, 25). Quite frankly, our words should be wholesome, edifying, and gracious (Ephesians 4:29, Colossians 4:6).
Use the right tone: During a conversation with my mother and me, a relative of ours indicated that he was going to attend a party instead of staying home and studying for an exam that he had the next day. Although my mother and I expressed similar concerns about his decision, he indicated to me alone that he felt I was being judgmental. After further feedback from him, he indicated that it wasn’t so much what I said but the tone I used to convey my message. With God helping me to reflect on how I spoke to him, I realized that he was right. My tone was downright harsh (especially relative to the gentle tone my mother used). In the end, he stayed home and studied for the exam. The harshness of my tone, however, was not necessary to help him make the right decision; it just made him feel bad. The account that I just described highlights the truth of Proverbs 15:1, which states that, “A soft and gentle answer can turn away wrath while harsh words stir up anger.” These words are certainly worth living by.
Summary
Taken together, as I have outlined in this post, developing better communication skills that will help us in our endeavor to live peaceably with others begins with assessing the condition of our heart. As there is a connection between what is in our heart and what we say, we need to ask God to help us root out ungodly emotions and feelings (e.g., envy, bitterness, hatred, contempt) that will inevitably infect our communicative exchanges. From there, we should communicate with empathy and listen well, as doing so will minimize unnecessary conflict and contribute to our communication partner feeling heard and understood. Lastly, we must remember that the Bible doesn’t provide us with license to be careless in our communication. With God’s help and discernment, we must make sure that our communication is timed well, honest, expressed with a proper tone and in love, wholesome, and edifying.
For me, as I continue to grow in my relationship with God, I’ve come to realize how much my communication skills have affected and continue to affect my ability to pursue peace with others. With the help of His Spirit and word, God continuously shows me the type of communication skills that are unhelpful and those that are helpful. Certainly, even with the best communication skills, our communication partners may act or respond in ways that are far from peaceful. Nevertheless, while we cannot control the responses of our communication partners, by the grace of God, I challenge all of us to control how we communicate and to do all that we can possibly do to live peaceably with all.
Additional References
Walsh, F. (2012). Normal Family Processes: Growing Diversity and Complexity. The Gilford Press.
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